Monday, August 19, 2019

This Single Moment Changed My Life Forever

"It is often at the moment when our way isn’t working anymore that we open our minds to consider something new." - Marianne Williamson

It's August 19, 2019. I turn 28 in less than a month. Another year around the Sun.

And yet, I found myself, yet again, in an oh-so-familiar, dreary fog.

Something just didn't feel right. And this is the feeling I get every year before my birthday.



For most of us as we age another year we tend to look back on all we've accomplished and experienced. It's a time of deep inner reflection, a spiritual Winter is what I tend to call it.

But for me this Winter has for the last few years been quite dreary, where I feel totally lost.

I then come back full force, with "clarity" in September as my birthday rolls around, ready to take on my goals for the year.

And yet, come June through August of the following year, my spiritual Winter time, I find myself yet again...lost.

This time I asked "Why?"

Why is it that I feel lost during this time each and every year?

My answer? Because I am not being myself.

Every year as my spiritual Winter rolls around I get sad. I feel lost and chaotic. Wanna know why? Because deep down I realize that I spent the last year being someone that I am not. Each year I go after goals that may or may not be fully mine. Each year I push myself to work in a way that does not come natural to me. And each year I get more and more stuck in my mind than ever.

Spiritual Winter has a way of hitting you with the cold, hard truth, when you're truly ready to face it. And as I was knee deep in my spiritual Winter I realized everything I'd been doing up until that point just was not working anymore.

I decided to start fresh, but not like I'd done in the past. This year, instead of making a list of goals, breaking them down into steps and creating a plan of execution, I decided to do something different.

This year I decided to run an experiment.

What would happen if, for one whole year, I dedicated myself to me? What would happen if I took the time to actually discover myself? What would happen if I removed all the masks I'd been wearing for so many years?

That is what I am here to find out.

You see, we all have a unique design. We all have our own individual nature. And yet, we all try to conform to this idea of how we "should" be, resisting who we truly are. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It just won't work. You'd literally have to alter the shape of the peg to get it to fit. And unfortunately, this is what I, along with many many others do on a daily basis. And this year for me, enough was enough. I said no more.

I got so tired of fighting myself I decided to try something different: acceptance.

So here we are.

I am dedicating this blog to my experiment. To sharing what I discover about myself and how "just be-ing" affects my life.

Think of it like a diary that you get to peek into. Lucky you eh?

With that being said, welcome to my online diary. I hope it inspires you to create your own.

Peace and love,

Shenaye